Dear Diary, I Pour My Heart...

Ive got parents who love me, a roof overtop of my head, I can walk, I can talk, I can see and I can pee on my own. Im able to hear music of all kinds, read book after book, and watch the sun set and rise and on occaision, Ive been blessed with feeling the sand under my toes. So why is it that I'm so unhappy sometimes. Pessimistic. My middle name...

I think I live through that one little saying, "Hope for the best, expect the worse." Sometimes I just lose sense of the hoping part and automatically expect the worse.

There's been times that Ive been ready to give up on friendship, and then bam, something hit my heart and sent me back into happiness.

You always hear that you should follow your heart. Well what happens when you dont know how to listen to it. There's the logical decision, hell, who am I fooling? Ive never had the smarts, especially when it came to practical sense.

I dont let myself fall. That way I wont be stung by rejection.

Why do I hate change so much? Im all for comfort; in change, you may not get to keep that comfort. And it sucks.

Piano music makes me cry. That kind of cry that starts in the pit of your soul, shakes your heart and leaves salt patterns on your cheeks.

I hate that in finding youself, sometimes you deny the things you love just to fit in, thank god those middle school days are over!

I hate it when you wave at someone and they don't wave back-wave for the hell of it!

I hate that you decide to be curteous and let another car in front of you, and they dont wave in appreciation, like they expect it or something!

I hate being in a hurry to find myself on a back curvy road behind someone chatting away on their cellphone. If you cant drive and talk at the same time, you shouldnt.

I hate that I cant stay mad at someone for more than a few minutes for fear of something bad happening and that being my last thought.

I hate that sometimes I say I'm okay when I'm not.

I hate that sometimes I smile when I really want to cry.

Occaisonally I'll cry in the dark movie theater, its a way for me to be around everyone and yet avoid the questions.

I hate that I want to be loved more than anything in the world.

I hate that you hate my opinions. I hate even more the fact that I cant tell you how I feel because I cant find the words. Ive really got to touch up my vocabulary!

I hate that I worked all summer and feel guilty everytime I buy even the littliest thing.

A picture frame breaks, she finds your letter and you get a text message telling you how great of a friend you are. And you smile the biggest smile you've smiled in a long, long time.

Why in the world can the smallest compliment mean so much to me? This I dont hate. <3

Today's Motto

.....say how you feel before its too late.

those that matter will find a way to deal with it.

its better to regret what you say than what you dont say. or is it?

Dilly-Dally

Dill pickles hold a certain place in my heart. That tangy, vinegary ,goodness that makes your lips smack together in a look of discomfort. Really it’s a false pretense, for the taste is quite lovely. Id advise you to shake the pickle against the glass jar because too much juice goes down the wrong pipe and makes you cough out loud. I hate that! A friend and I used to wrap the big daddy dills in napkins and sit on the couch all summer long watching Nickelodeon!

Now some people don’t like dill pickles, they only want the sweet ones. That’s when I get all bent out of shape. Don’t you dare put a sweet pickle on my sandwich, the taste is so nasty, Id have to throw the sandwich away. A friend had those cutesy little baby pickle packs. In all excitement, I didn’t bother to look at the wrapper, I shoved it in my mouth. The look was grotesque! I spit that sucker right out! Apparantly they don’t make baby dill packs! I mean, what the hell?

.......I gotta pickle, I gotta pickle, I gotta pickle hey hey hey hey!

And none of that Clausen crap either! Its not pickle unless it’s a Mt. Olive pickle!

The Thunder Rolls, and the Lightning Strikes....

I hate that sticky feeling. The kind that bam, hits you as you walk out the front door in the morning on your way to work. Your once semi-straight hair becomes a curly mess that not even the best of combs could brush through. You stay inside all day long due to your job but honestly, you’d rather be in that office with the buzz of anxious patients than outside sweating your ass off. You casually look out the window, ooh how the sunshine looks so inviting. So you work all day long until finally it’s time to go, you dash out the door and there’s an instant longing to be in your car with the AC on full blast.

You make it home through rush-hour, nerves shot to pieces and scarf down meat and potatoes, a meal that would make you smack your Grandma in the mouth! Slowly but surely the clouds move in and unlike most people, you don’t complain. You put on a pair of pajamas, tie your afro-curls back in a pony and make your way to the front porch.

The wind picks up, the heat turns down and that once scorching day disappears into a cool breeze. And for an instant all stress subsides. The only sounds come from the occasional boom of thunder, a far-off lightning bolt brightens the wilderness and you smile to yourself. It’s you and the peaceful rain, no one to critique you, leave you behind or remind you of the things you don’t have. You rock in the rocking chair and your mind wanders, not focusing on anything in particular.

There’s an occasional bark, the dogs want you to know they’re still there, and a few cars travel down the road. Night eventually falls and the mosquitoes get the best of you. You let out one big sigh and leave your post, for sleep calls before another busy day.

And right before I drift off to sleep, my heart winks at god for sending me such simplicity.

I Dont Sleep At Night Because I Think About Too Much Stuff....

I find myself thinking about thinking, because the truth is, I have nothing important to say anymore. There’s all these thoughts just cooped in my head and I cant find words or ways to express them. I find that all my inspiration flows at bedtime right before I doze off to sleep. I tried keeping a pad of paper beside my bed once, before I could write it all, I forgot my thoughts. Damn memory of mine!

Then things come out all random and such. Because slowly, I remember certain pieces to those previous thoughts and have to get them out in the open before I forget them again.

I stick to routine, I prefer it that way. Its less confusing. For instance, I sit in the same seat in every class. Don’t ask why, there’s nothing special about that certain seat, but it’s mine. Its pretty simple, you sit in my seat, I beat your ass. Okay? No but seriously, there’s some days where I run slightly late for class and they’ll be that certain person in your seat. You know what Im talking about it. If you’re anything like me, all it takes is for someone to sit in YOUR seat and well…the whole day is messed up. You politely sit somewhere else, but for the whole entire class period, you remember nothing about the lesson except for one certain thing: that bastard is in my seat! You look at the professor and for some un-apparent reason, your eyes wander back to that person in your seat! Urgh!

But even still, sometimes I like those sudden spur of the moment activities that make you laugh for hours the next day. I once saw two movies in the same day. You just cant believe how excited I was about it. Or playing with Frisbees at Fredericksburg Mall, so what if Josh hit a car? It made it even better when the person who owned the car came out of the store right as he hit it.

Or walking 2 miles to Belle Isle at 9:30 on a Wednesday night and feeling the squishy soft grass between your toes. Yeah, its those nights that mean the world. Or staying up till the AM with some booze in hand singing at the top of our lungs to bluegrass and country music, well that’s probably my favorite.

I miss riding around Short Pump wasting gas, and laughing at the rednecks at Arbys in Josh's little Honda. God knows we cant do that anymore, gas is what? Almost $4.00 a gallon?? Or going to the Food Lion just to get Cheese Cake or Bagle Bites. And buying a whole chicken, making some mashed potatoes, paper plates and flavored water just to eat at the lake before a day of tanning, its simply wonderful.

I want to take a random trip to somewhere special. There shouldn’t be much money involved. Pack a pair of pajamas, toothbrush, deodorant, shampoo, soap, change of clothes and a camera. And off you travel into the horizon for a day, couple hours, maybe a weekend.

.....so take my hand and take me somewhere. Somewhere I've never been, somewhere that'll make me smile from ear to ear, and plumps up my heart with warm fuzzies.

I love putting on my rainboots and jumping in mudpudles, Ginger Ale, black labs and singing. I crave laughter, the kind that makes your stomach hurt. And babies. I want one. It sounds totally weird but I want to be done with school, and have a job! I want the truly, madly, deeply in love stage of my life, a hubby, a house of my own (with big windows and a front porch with rockin chairs) and babies.

But you know this….

Wrangler Bottom Jeans and the Boots with the Spurrs

We had a certain excitement in our step as we walked to the National. There we stood in line in the pouring rain for two hours to ensure good seats. I rolled up my pants legs in hopes of not getting completely drenched, it was quite the fashion statement as I was wearing black pleather flats with bare-feet.

The city of Richmond offers a lot to look at. As Jess and I looked around, I realized this, just in the people we saw! There was a woman with a shower cap, now she had the right idea! Or how about the little slut-buckets with their boobs hanging out of mini-tank tops as if Jason Aldean was gonna take one look at them and invite backstage for a private rendezvous, uh hello ladies…he’s married with 6 kids!

So as we stood there, we got a little colder and just a little wetter. By the time we entered the building, we looked like drowned rats and smelled more like wet dogs! But don’t you fret, the humidity inside brought out my summer-time afro. You couldn’t have fit my head in a bushel basket if you wanted to!

I tell you I hate my curls, the frizz is just so damn overpowering. But without them I cant function, its almost like my security blanket, and it covers up my bald spots. :o)
If you don’t believe in the ability to jinx yourself, well you’re wrong. Sharon said repeatedly, “I hope Jason Aldean’s special guest isn’t the people who opened for Gary Allan”. Low and behold, the woman with the tambourine and maracas came on out with the older guy and sang the same songs, déjà vu?

I took a picture of the stage, Jason Aldean read the banner and it had a sun in between the first and last name. At the bottom of the picture is this whitish circle, yep that’s right…it looks like the sunrise, but is really ‘ol baldies head, he was standing in front of us.

I looked around me, rednecks. God I love them. Country cuties with their cowboy hats and boots, tight asses and their southern drawls. God I wished for one. Its not just the looks, it’s the manners and it’s the respect they gyrate.

Well then the anger flourished, for this old bastard butted his way up to the front to stand with some girl he knew. It was bad enough that we couldn’t see, but then as the lyrics vibrated through the stadium, confusion filled his face. He knew not a single word of any of the songs!
See, this is why I hate old guys--not senior citizens, for I love them to death. It’s the guys in their 50’s that still try to look for a piece of ass. Apparently she wasn’t buying though because the girl didn’t talk with him at all!

Believe me, I did everything in my power to try to get him to leave! I swung really hard pretending that was my dancing style, hit him with my camera which broke right as Jason Aldean came onto stage, PIECE OF SHIT! And hollered and screamed in his ear!

Despite the annoyances, it was one of the best concerts Ive ever seen. See, Jason was my first concert ever, 2 years ago on a school night in Innsbrook with K. Hicks and Robert (may be rest in jail). He totally kicked ass then, I think he kicked a little more this go ‘round.

Encore: Guns N Roses. Now that’s what I’m talkin ‘bout!

Its Just a Famliy Tradition

12 year old Jordan walked into his baby sister's room last Saturday. Kaylen looked at him and said, "I wish you'd get the fuck out my room!"

This is the same child that grew up raising the roof from the highchair!

Family life, remember those days? Jordan came home last week and told his mom that he was gonna get hair (down there!) and he may wake up some mornings with wet sheets, but its nothing to be embarassed about...its normal. Kim looked at Jaimie after hearing the story and said, "Wait till you find rolled up tube socks under the mattress."

God they grow up so fast! One minute you're holding them as babies, changing their stinky diapers and heating formula up in the microwave, and singing them to sleep. The next minute they're off to middle school, getting zits and developing extremely huge attitudes.

My father is extremely goofy. When he was a child, he wanted to change his name to Thundercloud. But he couldn't spell it! They were going to a party the other weekend and he pulled out the cologne he wore before he even met Momma! Can you say stale? Momma and Caleb ragged on him, so on the way down the road, he wiped it off with Chlorox wipes! You think its weird, I think...you have no idea!

This is the same man that holds some sort of record for chugging a pitcher of beer in less than a minute....yes, stupid redneck man. He hit a washer on the side of the road back in his drunk driving stage and ran into a pond and got stuck...Momma had to get a hitch and the boys had to come pull him out.

My brother has developed a huge appreciation to cooking shows. He spends hours at a time watching the grilling channels in hopes of one day giving Emerald a run for his money :) He skipped school one day, we got home to find him outside in his underwear...he'd been grilling all day!

Jill hates mice more than anything! She had a heard move into her house a few years back. She had one in her kitchen and called her brother John to come over there to kill it. So she ran to the bedroom gagging, as he's in the kitchen hitting the mice with a baseball bat. You think that's bad? You better be on the phone with PETA because weeks later, one jumped in her trashcan. She tied the bag and hurriedly ran out the house, she laid it on the ground and over the bag a few times with the car!

This guy that aunt b knew when he was a child was at one of the football games drunk as a skunk. I looked at her and whispered, "I cant believe he's going to get behind the wheel after that!" My aunt smiled and her tone was all seriousness, "Why dont you ask him if you can take him home." ....apparantly age is just a number! However, 27 is a little old for me, even if he is on the attractive side.


I listen to music--a lot! The other day I was in the bedroom singing my heart out. Dad and Caleb busted through the door with lighted matches....I looked at them really funny and they claimed, "We're here for the concert!"

Jason let some guy borrow about $40.00 months ago. We went to visit yesterday and he was all riled up about it....all of a sudden he gets a smirk on his face but of all seriousness and claims, "Id go take the bastards lawn mower if he didnt have that huge ass rotwaller!"

Y.O.U C.A.N.T P.I.C.K Y.O.U.R F.A.M.I.L.Y